hurts

tonight i feel hurt. very hurt..

things i worried that might happen had happened to me.

theres this guy i met in my school who would do anything to make sure i dont get hurt.
to make sure i always has a smile on my face.

i went back melaka every week to work, and he can go late to his class just to company me to bus stand. he walked me there, it's quite a distance to the place. he even search for bike around his friend to fetch me sometimes. or when sometimes if we walked to the train station, he would foot the bill for me, although i don't want him to.

and after i got on the bus, he would walk back to school alone.
he did that every week.... until today. every week.

he would come out any single free time just to see how i am doing in school.

he seeked back the older married guy who had hurt me before in the 1st place when I started my life in KL. He was really angry and sad about what had happened to me.

he was with me when I was really down.

but the main point i wanna tell is, he's a muslim. he's a malay.

I'm not interested to convert. just like my 2nd bro did when he married a malay girl.
My mother and cousins were telling me, "May Ling. You go to study, means your studying. please do not have any relationship with malays."

my mom was saying, "I've already lose a son. I don't wanna lose another child again."

yea. I told him about this thing.
I said I love my religion like how he loves his. I don't wanna leave my religion.
He said he understands and respects my decision. he just want me to be comfortable with him. not being forced to. he wants me to be happy. He would do anything to just be with me..

Even if in future, there will be family problem, he said he would make my family trust him on how he treats me. he will talk to my mother. he said he will make sure I won't convert. He said he would face the big challenge.. just to be with me. and he asked me to face with him together, because he knows he will be having family problem to.

he just want to be by my side.

but when he asked, "would you face the challenge with me together? do u feel comfortable to be with me, forever?"

yes of course I feel comfortable with you. but when I'm thinking about my mother who is living in poverty,

I really feel sad.

When I think about my father who had to work to help pay back my ptptn loan,
I feel sad..

they brought me grow up until im this old. how could I ever break their heart?

can u find an example of chinese who married malay without converting?
why cant we be like christian, buddhist or hindu, those without have to convert their religion if getting married and live without these problems?

why can't i just love someone without have to think bout religion.
why can't i just love someone without all this problems..
what should I do.

enrolling into music school (part 2 ) auditioning in Aswara

When we reach Aswara, Gabrielle went to the video faculty and I went to the music's. I saw a man inside, so I went to ask him about the music course stuff. He is a tutor. He asked me about my qualification and what instruments that I played, I said violin and theory grade 5 cert and also playing guitar. He asked, am I the one who phoned yesterday? yeah, I phoned and the person in charge asked me to come visit their school the next day. The tutor said actually they already arranged to audition me at 11am in the morning but I didn't turn up.

I said, "what? I thought the person said she will phone me back to confirm with me but now it's all set? I didn't get her call. She just asked me to come visit Aswara that's all."

So the tutor went to talk to another 2 lecturers. They seemed thinking for a way out. It was like they needed violin student. While they were talking, I said to Corrine and Xhayne that perhaps I should wait for next year. Never thought of auditioning today. Maybe I should brush up my english 1st. They were persuading me to don't give up the chance.. I made this far and reach here already! Just go for the audition.

Then the tutor brought us to another place. He asked me to wait outside. This is the wall with the drawing of women in different races:



it's so funny when the tutor came out to call me and saw we were taking pics and he laughed out loud with the workers there :P

then he talked to me about ASWARA. He said in that place, the music students are not just mixing with their own people. They don't want a student who is only do good in music, but also sociable, capable. Thats why the people there are working together regardless of races. When the punch card machine came out the music, he asked me what is the key of that music, and hell I couldn't answer that. That was how he tested me. And then I told him I knew it's in major key, he looked happy when I can answer that. He said, the audition is not only seeing whether can you play the instruments or testing your music skill, but they also will have a small normal talk with you to see what kind of a musician you are. He said, sadly the interview is over, he would like student like me to study here, after seeing the way I talked to them. He, and also the people there, the workers, etc, are nice people; and the way the tutor talked made me felt they are so wise. Really different from people I've seen in other places for example MMU. nahh..don't wanna talk about it.

He brought us to outside the school hall and asked us to see the final exams of the students. So me, Xhayne and Corrine went there..we can hear music outside the hall.





music students are playing their music in front, video students are capturing the video at the left corner behind the hall, sound engineers are at the center behind, lighting students take care of the lighting...each departments doing their own things and there were teachers judging their works and giving marks.

Then I phoned Stanley. He came to meet me after that. I told him that the enrolling is finish. we had small chat together the others. Then he said I should go and asked the lecturer whether can I get the form.

So we went up to find the lecturers again. We saw the tutor just now in his room but he was talking to some1 else. Then Xhayne told me that he saw another lecturer in another room and asked me to talk to her. Her name is Isabella.

She asked me do I have anything? and I said I wanted to know how to enroll into the school. Then she asked me to tell her my music background. So I said, I have grade 5 violin and also theory cert, I can play guitar, I joined symphonic band in my high school and she asked which high school I was in and I said Yok Bin High school in Malacca. She seems to know a lot about it. I said I played in various performances before in the band, and other than that, I also formed my own bands, and performed in various events. I like all kinds of music no matter what genre they are, give it classical, pop, rock, metal, chinese, english, if they can be called music, I love them all.

She asked me what do I wanna do after I finish studying music, and why do I wanna study music. So I said, for a stable job for sure is to become a music teacher. And for the reason why I wanna study music, it's because I wanna see more, learn more, meeting more musicians. My music knowledge is still low.

(of course my main dream is...to become the successful guitar god chick and prove to everyone!)

I also told her I am a violin teacher and guitar teacher. She was shocked and said with my grade 5 violin cert, I cannot teach. So I told her in Malacca, people couldn't find any violin teacher. That's why I am teaching. She thought for a while, and said if I teach, surely I have experiences. I told her I called yesterday and the person in charge (Pn Sue) asked me to come today. Then Isabella called her. She said we have a perspective student here - and then I saw Gabrielle, Xhayne and Corrine were smiling. They whispered to me 'you did it!'

Oh god. Thanks so much, It's all because of you all who supported me and persuaded me.

And then after talking finish, she asked me whether did I bring violin. I said no. Corrine asked whether can we borrow it? I told Isabella that I know Stanley. And it turned out she knows him too. She asked me to phone Stanley to find instruments for me. she talked to stanley using my hp, in cantonese, asking him to kaotim in 15 minutes. that was so efficient LOL

And after a while, Stanley came with Violin and Guitar.

Reiki called. He needed Corrine to go fetch him from work at 5.45pm but now it's around 6pm. He sounded pissed again. Then I said she better go, me and Xhayne's transportation will be settled by ourselves. See if we have any KL friends who can fetch. Corrine and Gabrielle are so nice. They wished me Jia you before they leave! :)

Stanley was with me and Xhayne in the room. Isabella went out to see the students' exams. Xhayne was having free jazz guitar lesson from Stanley... and I was practicing violin and guitars. Stanley tested me to press some chords and scales. After I played, he said ok i can pass. I was like what? he said when he was auditioning, he don't even know these chords. he also listened to me playing violin and he said "sure pass one la dun worry." I got relieved.

around 7 something, I was called to interview. Xhayne was together in the room to give me morale support! Isabella went into the room with her cheese bread too HAHAAHA and a music lecturer name Mr. Rosdan asked me to play guitar. So I played a blues stuff let him listen. then he asked me to improvising on an E blues. I did it. He asked me whether can I read score? I said I can't, and he said he can see from my playing that I read tabs. then he asked me to play violin. I said, this song is called William Tell Overture. Then he and Isabella were debating about the song's title. Hahaha, and then I played. then he asked me to play Shang Hai Tan which is the song I had never played before. He said he wanna test my ear hearing. And so I played with some wrong notes and then adjust back to the real notes. He said alright, maybe they will let me to have violin as my main instrument.

I asked them can I have guitar as the main instruments? They said no because they already have 40 decent guitar students in there. They said it's alright because I can take violin as the main one, and guitar as the 2nd instrument.

Then, we went back to Isabella's room. She said, "your violin playing is really bad!" I laughed out loud and said I admit, because I love guitar better! After that, she was seeing the file that I brought contained all my certs and asked me to photocopy which that she wants. My I.C. and also I need to ask Dato to write a recommendation letter and stuff....because I was late to audition and now I am a special case.

After that, Stanley brought me and Xhayne out to photocopy my certs and also to have our dinner at Tebing. Then we headed back to Aswara. Since Jian and Kinwee havent reach KL yet, I phoned Jay to fetch us. Then at night he reach and brought us around Pudu area and introduced us the road. I think it's called Jalan Loke yew. He said the road is protected by some gangsters head...he rounded and rounded the city and at last put us beside the road of Pudu. Me and Xhayne climbed up the fence because they just built those fence to prevent ppl from going in and out. HAHA! and I met my lovely bandmates inside Pudu. lucky for us, the minutes we went up the bus, the bus started to move. Xhayne was following Jay's car to Penang.

The tour around Music schools are finished, and our next destination - Penang, here KS comes! Ikuzou!

PEOPLE = SHIT

God damn it this is so suitable for my mood now

Malacca rocks!

Oh Chentaku ke Melaka


this band took a video when they were on their journey to Malacca and recorded some video of M'cca's music scene - that is Malacca Drums Core. My ex drummer from my girls band, Wendy, Terra Firma's drummer Shu Gene, Terry the drummer and Paul the bassist from SAA, and Alvin the drummer from Autumn to Midnights are the line ups in the video. Have a look at how MDC looks and sounds like.

I'm so shocked, happy and proud for my friends when I saw this video. Malacca's music scene are not known by lotsa people from other states and now the efforts of malaccans' musicians which always perform alot whether busking or gigs or events are captured in Oh Chentaku's video, all thanks to them! and also thanks to Oh Chentaku the founder! (founder eh cecece :P)

faker

I'm so sick of childish people,

who criticized your mistakes last time but actually they can't even do the thing that you are doing,
and then they try to come near to u when one day they see you achieved well, and think 'whoa that person is so cool' again,
and try to be nice to you.

oh sorry, you are just a childish person who just wanna make friends with "people with abilities" and you are going to tell your friends that "hey that person is actually my good friend!"
your fakeness doesn't make me trust you. fuck you.

liar

all the promises you made are lies.

all the words you said to me before are lies.

you lied.

you think you are a prince, you think you are so high up on the trees, huh?

yea, you can continue to think that high of yourself.

you are not even worth a second to be cared of.

sicko. you suck. so long, i quit.

Sad

Tonight, my mother hit me and left my body with canned-marks.
My eyes were swollen, my tears were flowing out alot.
she scolded me, called me a short-life child.

Her word was running in my mind tonight. This whole night.

Yes. I might die young.
I might becoming sensitive and emotional if I continue to be treated like this in the family.

I feel really pain.
I don't like this family.
I wanna run away.

The adults are thinking they are the correct ones and the younger one are always wrong.
I was...what I did was just asking about someone's face in some beauty ad.
a guy was scolding a girl who was crying with her face full of pimples.
I asked, "oh god, what happened to her face?"
and my mother said, "people scold her because she had an ugly face, but there are still some people who had nice face and yet they want to destroy it! I don't wanna see you using those facial foams and creams anymore!"

so I said, "why did you scold me now? I was just asking about the ad."

she said, "if you have our genetic, your face will be beautiful without even using the facial foams and stuff!"

"but I had already been using it since last time until now, my face had never had anything serious happens, and I'm doing those to protect my face from the dirts in the polluted environment nowadays..I know what I am doing, mom! Don't worry."

and there she goes saying," can you please make me peace? I wanna watch the tv show."

I wanted to discuss with her. Telling her how I feel about how they treat me.
It's not just today.

"why do you adults always try to find a chance to find out the mistakes of youngsters?"

and then she yelled at me.
"say it one more time! And I'm going to hit you. you short-life child."

I said, "I'm just trying to make you know me better. Please understand me. And I was really sad that you called me short-life child. Do you really hope that I have a short life? I'm really stress now."

"I know! I know ur stress about stop studying in MMU and switch to music! ur stress that you won't get into that MUSIC school!" she exclaimed the word MUSIC.

Why did she mention about the music school now, all of a sudden? I asked.

Then she quickly ran to kitchen and took the cane, came outside and canned me.

while she canned me, she yelled,
"say a word again if you dare!"

I said, "please try to listen to me, I just hope you can understand how I feel!"
and there she goes hitting me again.

again. and again.
She looked like letting all her indignant out to my body.

I was so weak I lied down on the floor. I hoped she stop canning me but she still continue.
I....
My body was hurt.

she left me who was groaning of pain on the floor, off to the kitchen.
I was crying, reaching a paper near me and started writing with my trembling hand.
About everything, about how I feel at this moment. About what is happening.
It was just a small matter about the ad from the tv..

after an hour,
she came outside and talked to me who was still lieing on the floor, writing.
"have you learnt your lesson yet? You made my anger raise and I could even break your bones. Luckily what I took was a cane instead of a knife."

why isn't my mother a person whom I can discuss about everything together?

I spoke while I was crying.
"I just try to explain and let you understa...."

"DON'T you speak to make me angry again!"

I am not going to stay quiet.
I asked her, "mom, do you hate me that much that you want me to have a short life?"

she said, "it's not me who determined your life, it's the God!"

so I said to her,"I still want to really tell you about this, mom."

"Don't you speak again! I just want to watch a nice TV show, and you started all this trouble to
spoil my mood! and now you are making my blood boiling again!"

Do you really have such a high ego, mom?
are you really that short tempered?
All I wanted to hear, is the word coming from your mouth, saying something that could make me feel warm.
Yea, just that..
Because I am younger, so you can take me as a tool to let out all your fury, without thinking of the pain I'm having now, the sadness I'm having now, right?

"I am just sad when I heard my mother called me a short-life child."

"OK! you are going to live until hundred years! Are you satisfied now? and we don't know whether you will be living in happy or miserable life in such a long life!"

Maybe,
I am better off dying young.
Will I have the same life as her, whom husband run away with other woman?
I..I don't want to.
This is a problematic family.
Do you wanna see me living a bad life?

She said I don't love her. I didn't make her feel peace. But I..I am also the one whom mind is so troubled now. I am the one whom body feel so pain now. I am the one who feel so down now. Did she know that?

she is just a person with very high ego.
but that way she hurt me so bad. so deep that I feel alone. So pain that I wanna run away.

I hate everything right now.
I hate this family.
Brothers fighting with each other.
Father punching my mom in front me when I was small.
I've seen alot from this family.

she left me alone again, and then yelled at me to sleep early and she went upstairs to sleep.

Do you think, I can sleep nicely,
after all that you did to me today...?

I'm still crying.

my fingers are tingling.
my mouth is dry.
my eyes are burning.

these red canned-marks on my body is temporary,

but the heart's pain that I got from how the family treated me,

this 19 years...I feel hurt. I'm hurt.

can it be cured?

I really don't know,

who can I share my problems to now.

I don't want to see you now. Because whenever u appear, after how you treated me today,

It's all just going to create hatred inside my heart.

I don't want to see you. Go away...

Stop coming near me to hit and yell at me.

I don't have the right to voice out my opinions, after all.